How am I able to do that? Just love unconditionally, although these people may harm me. Emotional,...maybe even physically. And that aspect always seeps into my ideas; my train of thought conjuring worst case scenarios based on past occurrences. No wrong, no right. Just in between, and eventually you become that way about everything. Your love life, the food you eat, and how often you do or don't consume proper sustenance. Malnourished, full of chemicals. It's hard to move around, small spaces scary you, full rooms do as well, as do the empty ones. You start losing control of where you are and who you were and who you want to be and who you're supposed to be.
Everything's crumbling yet you're still putting pieces together. How can you be building when everything around you constantly starts to crumble? It's a world where you're allowed to keep a piece of what you desire, bu only one piece. And to keep it you'll have to constantly build and dream of the entire thing, although you will never have it all. A torturous existence, yet one we're all afraid to leave.
Then you think of all the glowing wonderful lights around you, presuming their appearance in reality, showing themselves naturally and purely. They watch you constantly build that wall to your amazing fortress, or marvelous paradise that no one will ever see or understand but yourself. And they warm you with their love and their essence. The feeling of them and the moments you share. Alive and inanimate. First breath taken...or last one mustered.
I walk around this city, another staple girl to holler at. Another staple victim of crime. Another nobody, doing nothing for no one, not even themselves.
I wonder some days if my importance is measured in dollar bills or the words I can hardly manage out of my lips. Or maybe it's how I carry myself, how helplessly kind I can be, or nonsensically cruel at other times. Weather I'm capable of picking one, or forever cursed to see both sides of my horrible mentalities. Can you break the circle? Or are you doomed to see yourself cycle without fail, never ending?
There aren't answers...or maybe there are and I've been incapable of finding them.
Perhaps, I have chosen to keep them away from my eyes.
I started to wonder weather this was me helping my creativity,or it was just my idea of dying.
Never leaving my home, constantly filling my head with history and strange facts.
Where will that get me? Should I be concerned that it does or doesn't bring me somewhere? Or should I just be happy that it makes me feel happy and fulfilled?
Questions. And to think, xanax normally ruins my train of thought. Perhaps it just one of those days, where I'm so full of it and too tired to speak.
I'm even too tired to type.
You are my dreams.
I've had dream where all the people I've grown to love surround me and don't talk. They all just blankly smile and surreptitiously assume their position in the grand scheme of this scenario.
In other dreams, faces I've known follow me through a world filled with death, and grotesque creatures.
We all meet our fates, and I wonder if it's my subconscious warning me of something.
Or maybe I'm just insane, and they're just dreams.
I used to have a strong idea for how I wanted my future to turn out, like any young adult in this country I had a dream. The perfect layout to the beginning of a perfect life. Of course, I fell out of that path very quickly and swiftly, getting quite lost from where I would like to end my travels.